Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in runwaydream's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 22nd, 2006
12:12 am	where are you? what do u do when you realize you have no one? where everywhere you look, eveywhere you turn a door slams in your face and you're left outside in the cold looking through a glass window, looking in on everyone else's happiness. looking in on what you're not invited to. what do you do when the person who claims he loves you says he has more important things to do when you ask him to help you, just to listen. or the person who claims to have cared SO MUCH about you is too busy to even ask what's wrong when you tell him you had a shitty day. when you look through your cell phone and realize that even though you have 200 names not a single person in there gives a damn about u. Not. A single..one. what do u do then? Cry, feel sorry for yourself, write a blog(^_^) but then u get up, you move on. you realize that you dont need any of them. And that's what i need to do. I need to get back to basics. get back to when i didnt care and when i didnt let anyone hurt me. i've gotten soft, i've become too vulnerable, cared too much. and here i thought i've been so careful. Two ppl, i've only cared for two ppl and they've both disappointed me. what happened to my independence? What happened to me being able to stand alone? This has disappeared,it has gone away somewhere, and while i havent missed it, i need to get it back. thats the only way i can survive. i hated being so cold, so uncaring..but i was better off that way. i didnt hurt so much then... Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
10:00 pm	makes NO sense...unless you're me...then u know exactly what im talking about.... im beginning to realize that i just got played...HARD. i kno it shouldnt have taken me so long but it did. the person that i would've trusted with my life seems to have turned out to be... i was talking to my friend the other night and all of a sudden went in a rant about how i'm not getting what's going on in this person's head (and for the sake of my sanity and your confusion, lets just call this person nacho.) how he kept telling me how much he loved me every single time we talked and i always told him not to say it unless he meant it but he kept insisting that he did. n after awhile i believed he did, i thought i could hear it in his voice. and so i dont get why he's choosing this girl over me, this 'no one important' over the beautiful friendship we had. and i was just so confused, and hurt. and what the hell kind of love is THAT?!? n she stopped me mid-sentence, told me to breath and said 'guys are like that' but i thought she didnt understand. and said 'but it wasnt like that, he wasnt just any other guy that i met on the street. we were on 'another level' and she stops me mid-rant again and goes 'honey, everyone thinks that. everyone thinks that they're on a different level.' but he's just like any other guy, he's no different. and that stopped me cold, that hurt alot. i felt stupid. i asked her why would she say something like that to me. and she said it's better that i cut my losses and hurt now then hurt later. which is true. and it wouldnt have hurt so much had my dumb ass stuck to my original plan, kept my heart cold, and not talked to nacho after my initial decision to terminate our friendship...stupid, stupid girl. u kno i almost forgave him after that first conversation? when he called me all i heard was his voice and i almost forgot why i was so mad at him to begin w. i thought of the book 'white orleander'. how the man kept persuing the mother, and she wanted nothing to do with him but he was so damn persistant that finally she gave him a chance and ended up thinking he was so amazing and in the end he turned out to be lower than shit. the only difference between me and her is that i dont plan on killing nacho. lol. no...in fact i wish him the best. oh yea...n i dont really think he's LOWER then shit. so now another situation has arose. someone from the not too distance past, (lets call him McMillan)rose from the ashes and out of nowhere sent me a message asking for one phone call and hopefully a second chance. i stopped cold when i saw that message, my stomach kinda dropped and i stared at it for 5 min. without moving. after i got over my shock i realized this was perfect timing. if he did it when me and nacho was ok mcMillian probably wouldnt have stood a chance but...NOW.... n i kinda figured McMillian might try to get back into my life once school started back up and we saw each other again. but...i didnt expect it NOW. and...i dunno. but what am i DOING?!? going from one bad situation to the next? i can never forgive McMillian completely. i know that, he knows that. but..i've been looking for a replacement for nacho. n here he is... but why do i need a replacement? i need someone to take up my time, someone to think about, to care about... n its so funny cause after me and McMillian fell out Nacho came back in the picture. so he was kind of McMillian's replacement. n now if he doesnt get his act together soon McMillian might be replacing HIM, and he'll just...fade away i guess. so i wrote him a message saying he can decide my fate...he answers saying he'll drop the bitch and come back. then McMillian has no future in my life...he DOESNT answer by tomorrow night then...what happens, happens i guess. why do i need someone to think about? McMillian's a hottie tho...and we did have alot of good times..and unlike Nacho he actually goes to my SCHOOL. but is that a good or bad thing? isnt the only reason me and Nacho got so close was cause we DIDNT go to the same school? n would me and Mc have fell out had we NOT gone to the same school n hung out practically every day?..probably not... but why do i need someone to think about? i read on Nacho's facebook that he's 'totally crushin on this sexy ass girl he kno' and i felt as if someone stabbed me in the heart. i wrote him and he didnt write back... still, why do i need someone to think about? i had a dream about him last night. i was trying to recall how we met in the dream and in the dream i met him at a hess gas station, he was making subway sandwiches at the front counter which didnt make sense. but it jumped to me running into a house looking for him. and i couldnt find him anywhere. the house was hot and stuffy and i could barely breath, but i couldnt leave until i found him. and then i saw him walking around outside the house. and for some reason i needed him to save me. like i was gonna suffocate in this hot house, for some reason i had the feeling that if he didnt see me and come get me out of there i would be stuck in that house forever, and it would be my grave. so i banged on the window and yelled for him, i pounded so hard...my life depended on it. and i knew he couldnt hear me, I could barely hear me. but he looked up and saw me and rushed to save me. i opened the window for him. (makes no sense whatsoever, cause i couldve opened it n saved myself) but he held me in his arms and i looked up at him, (pls..he's not that tall) and he looked down at me(i think I'M taller then HIM) like he was unsure as of what to do next. but then i kissed him. and ...i guess we lived happily ever after. i dunno...it ended there. but it was funny...his style of dress was McMillian's style, not his. why do i need someone to think about? he said i didnt even try to fight for our friendship...im fighting as much as i possibly can. answer the question... he turned off his phone. answer the fuckin question.... he didnt give me the number... ANSWER... i dont kno...the answer is..i dont kno...i dont kno... Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
12:55 am	happy b-day!!! tomorrow is my little brother's birthday. he's finally gonna be a teenager..and i completely forgot. i remembered my ex-roommate's birthday and she's hundreds of miles away and i forgot my little brother's....he's living in the same house as me, i see him everyday...i havent seen my ex-roomate in months. but i speak to my ex-roommate online more than i speak to my brother in person. i would die for him, but i cant stand the sight of him. isnt that funny? and when i say funny i dont mean funny haha, i mean funny peculiar. i see him doing nothing with his life. i see him wasting it away, motivated by nothing, becoming increasingly disrespectful to our parents and becoming dumber by the second. he's nothing short of a coward and he's so effeminate it sickens me, yet so disrespectful towards women. and he's such a big dissapointment to me, kind of like cory. i expected so much but in the end was so... and i get so annoyed and disgusted when i see that when i wake up from 7:30 in the morning til i go to sleep at 12:00 in the morning he's on the computer without a break. w.o taking a shower, w.o. going outside for air, just THERE all goddamn day in fuckin ninja chatrooms. and what bothers me more than his inactivity is the fact that my parents arent doing anything to stop him. its like he's practically raising himself. they tell him when to eat, so he wont die. when he starts stinking up the house they tell him to take a shower, and when it starts getting too late they tell him to go to sleep. n thats it. everything in between is anime and chatrooms. its kind of like when parents set their kids in front of the tv to keep them from bugging them. its like instead of being bothered they just dont...bother i mean. and it pisses me off cause they HAD him so fuckin RAISE him. dont let him turn to shit!!! they're lazy themselves!! they're so wrapped up in their own lives they dont even care that their only son is so....UGH!!!!! and i've TRIED, i've tried to help him and keep him from becoming like this. but there's only so much i can do. if i tell him that if he doesnt read a book for 1/2 an hr he cant watch tv and THEY turn around and tell him he can what the hell can i do!?!?!! and they're forever saying "help me!!! help me!!" fuckin help yourself!!! YOU had him. and YOU'RE letting him become this way!!!! so dont try to put your shit on ME. YOU'RE his parents!! and i kno they're tired...they're tired of raising kids. they've been doing it for 22 yrs and they're getting old now. they dont feel like whoppin some hard-headed boy cause he's failing all his classes and mouthing off to the teacher. but that's not his fault!! HE'S suffering b/c of THEM. he needs guidance, he needs fuckin PARENTS, not the goddamn internet. and im so happy im not him. im so happy i didnt have the internet growing up, and my parents were always on my ass making sure i did what i had to do. im glad they didnt let me watch tv on the weekdays and they made me study my timestables till i thought i was gonna die. im glad they raised me with having respect for my elders, and i had morals. dont cheat, dont lie, dont steal. im so glad i had that, i hated it at the time but im grateful for it now. esp when i see HIM. he steals if he thinks he can get away with it, he's a compulsive liar, he doesnt respect women, he's pathetic and it makes me want to cry. and im not saying he's gonna stay this way. im not saying he's not gonna change but its not realistic to think that he will. he's only getting older and no one is even bothering with him. the only one who can help him now is himself. he's on his own. so im distancing myself. im prepared for the worst and i forsee nothing but heartache for my poor mother. but when the shit hits the fan she'll have no one to blame but herself. and i have my own life now. so i wont be around to see, or care. kids are like an investment. you invest time and love into them. and in the end you'll reap the rewards, God willing. but if you dont invest shit then you wont get shit. but they're gonna get SOMETHIN...im just not sure they're gonna like what they get. oh yea...its past midnight...happy freakin birthday. Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
9:59 pm	umm...parking lots and mobile gas stations? WRITTEN IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE DOLLAR THEATRE (HOW GLAMOUROUS):did i spell glamourous right? :( and so came the moment i dreaded. the moment i knew would come but feared anyway. the moment when i'd need him and he wouldn't be there. when i'd realize he really was my only friend. and the moment where if i heard his voice again i'd forgive everything. i got back from my job interview and at first just sat in my driveway for awhile and realized the last thing i wanted to do was go inside. it wasnt my home anymore. theres no place for me there anymore. i'm not part of this house. sometimes i feel like i'm an intruder. when i think of the saying home is where the heart is, i realize that my heart isnt there so it must not be my home. but where is my heart? where is it that my lonely heart pulses?...nowhere. my heart isnt anywhere. therefore i'm homeless. [omit..]but i refuse to call him. TWICE!!! TWICE he did this to me. TWICE i needed him and he blew me off to talk to some bitch! ...but she's not a bitch...she's the girl that beat me out, shes the girl who won...so no, she must be wonderful. she's no bitch, she's a goddess...and im just a hydrogen bond. so im sitting here in the parking lot of the movie theatre wishing i was her. wishing i was that great. instead of just being me...trying not to cry. i left home and just drove, not knowing where it is i wanted to go. wondering who i could call, listening to seal call me his baby at top volume. calling my only girlfriend here for the sixth time and listening to her phone ring and thinking that she was probably with her boyfriend. wondered why i didnt have a boyfriend and remember that i said i didnt want one. [omit...] my parents didnt even call me yet. my dad saw me sitting in the driveway for the longest and then saw me leave suddenly and he tells my mom everything so i kno he told her. and no one even bothered to call. i've been gone for about two hourse now...i couldve been dead for two hours...if i die i hope they cremate me. i guess no one cares... and i kno he expects me to call him. i know he does, but i won't. not now..not ever. i know when something's over... *TOPIC SWITCH* so the other day i was riding past a Mobile gas station and saw that it was overflowing with cop cars. i look a little closer and i see that they were all surrounding an SUV. luckily the gas station was by a long ass light so i got to sit there for awhile and watch what was going on -_* . finally the cops pulled this guy up off the ground and i threw my hands up in the air and let out one of those "AWWWWW MAN!!!!!'s" the guy they pulled on the ground was a stereotypical black guy, with the doo-rag, gold grill, and baggy clothes. when they pulled him up it seemed as if he looked right at me. i shook my head it disgust, i was so mad that he just HAD to be black. why couldnt he be puerto rican or somethin? why'd he HAVE to be black? so im sitting in my car, pissed, wondering what this guy did. i saw one of the cops reach into the car and pull out a footlocker. he opened it and pulled out a shitload of drugs. and the funny thing is you would think from my reaction before i'd get even more annoyed and think typical nigga but i didnt. i felt bad for him. all i was thinkin was that he was in a world of shit. and evidently so did he. i couldnt hear him crying out but i could see him. i could see him begging for mercy, for another chance. i can hear him praying to God to make this all go away, to please let this be a dream. i felt his pain. and i wondered what got him to this point? how did he live his whole life just to end up here? i wondered if he had kids to support, a sick mom at home? if he already had strikes against him and thats why he couldnt get a legit job, i wondered if this would put him away for his whole life...this mistake. and i wondered who made the rules? who made it ok for someone to determine how someone else's life would end up. it all seems so unfair. you never kno what someone's situation is. you never know why that person is doing what they're doing. and i felt bad for judging this guy without even considering that maybe he had no other options. i reprimanded myself for being typical and judging him by thinking HE was nothin but a typical nigga. so i said a silent prayer for him. i prayed to God that he would be alright and wouldn't get shanked or become someones bitch in jail. then i felt better about myself and drove off once the light turned green, blasted NERD'S "fly or die" and sang like i was a rockstar. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
7:28 pm	the end of times *WARNING!: COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DEPRESSING!!* -happy reading!!!! so many thoughts that i have to claim.... now i kno, these r the words that i have to say. wont u let me, wont you hear me cry? -seal you know the moment when you realize that something's over? it can be a sudden stab of pain, of quiet acceptance, relief, or just understanding. but you realize it. there's a moment where it just hits you, and you get it. for me this is a realization that i've come to an end of a friendship. a wonderful, unexpected, beautiful friendship that i thought would've lasted a lifetime... but instead proved to last only a few months. but im not sad. i think i will be later, maybe when i want to pick up the phone and call but then realize that that person isnt there anymore. and i try to remember who else i can call and tell what i want to tell and realize there's no one. and wonder why he gave me this. why did he became someone i loved only to turn into someone i'm now imparital to. but for now...its more of like a dust settling...a slow realization that what was once....isnt anymore. and im not upset. im not... maybe i should be but im not. what i am is grateful...grateful that i met this person, grateful that i have these priceless memories. and grateful that there are ppl like him out there. and i refuse to fight it. i refuse to try to hold on and keep something there that is now obviously gone. i've learned..that you can't go back, you can't change someone's heart, and you cant change time. you can only accept, and conform. bite your tongue and hold back your hurt, and let go. and thats what i'm doing...just letting go. letting a beautiful friendship end gracefully. maybe this was a long time coming, but i didnt see it. maybe if i was smarter i would've..but i didnt see it at all. it surprised me almost as much as this blog will probably surprise him. and it probably wouldnt hurt as much if i didnt see it for what it really is. its not just an end to a friendship...its a replacement, i'm being replaced...just like that. i've cared about every part of this person. from his favorite book:lord of the rings because it was beautifully written, to his favorite color: turquoise/ocean blue, he keeps changing it. to his favorite drink:nestle cookies and cream, and orange (soda?), to his favorite candy: twix, to his favorite cereal: honey bunches of oats(ok im not sure about this one, i kinda forgot. he only mentioned it once. but im 50 ure ;)) to care so much that you wanted to cry for them when they were sad, to laugh with them when they were happy. to hurt so badly even on one of your best days because they were hurting. to care so much and give so much only to realize that that wasn't enough, that they wanted something else that you couldnt give them is just...i dunno, it just hurts. but im ok with it...strangely. because i've known him...maybe i didnt really, completely. but a small part, a small part was mine. and this person, this wonderful, amazing person isn't mine anymore.and i guess that's how i've thought of him, as mine. my cory. but he isnt, not anymore. maybe he never was. and now i dont even think i want him to be. not now, not after all this, not anymore. and i really want to know why...you know? why i met him. the way we met, i always thought that there was a reason for our meeting. and im trying to figure out what that reason is but i can't...i mean other then the memories. i havent changed at all, havent learned anything. what is it? it couldnt have been for nothing...i refuse to think that the time i spent building trust with this person, letting this person become part of me, trying to become part of him was all for nothing. it doesnt make sense, i dont get any of it...but theres one thing i DO get, and its that it's over. these lines are on a seal cd that i'm listening to. i never really heard the song before today, before now..i mean i listened to the cd over and over again but i never HEARD it...it never affected me really. but i hear it now. "dont b so hard on yourself. those tears are for someone else. i hear your voice on the phone. i hear you feel so alone.... my baby. ooohhh my baby... please, my baby... my baby." "today i dreamed all friends i had before and i wonder why the ones who care dont call anymore my feelings hurt but u kno i overcome the pain and im stronger now. there cant be a fire unless theres a flame. dont cry, you're not alone. dont cry tonight my baby. dont cry, you'll always be loved." im just wondering by who though. Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
7:27 pm	check, one two, one two (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
11:59 pm	the end of times so many thoughts that i have to claim.... now i kno, these r the words that i have to say. wont u let me, wont you hear me cry? you know the moment when you realize that something's over? it can be a sudden stab of pain, of quiet acceptance, relief, or just understanding. but you realize it. there's a moment where it just hits you, and you get it. for me this is a realization that i've come to an end of a friendship. a wonderful, unexpected, beautiful friendship that i thought would've lasted a lifetime... but instead proved to last only a few months. but im not sad. i think i will be later, maybe when i want to pick up the phone and call but then realize that that person isnt there anymore. and i try to remember who else i can call and tell what i want to tell and realize there's no one. and wonder why he gave me this. why did he became someone i loved only to turn into someone i'm now imparital to. but for now...its more of like a dust settling...a slow realization that what was once....isnt anymore. and im not upset. im not... maybe i should be but im not. what i am is grateful...grateful that i met this person, grateful that i have these priceless memories. and grateful that there are ppl like him out there. and i refuse to fight it. i refuse to try to hold on and keep something there that is now obviously gone. i've learned..that you can't go back, you can't change someone's heart, and you cant change time. you can only accept, and conform. bite your tongue and hold back your hurt, and let go. and thats what i'm doing...just letting go. letting a beautiful friendship end gracefully. maybe this was a long time coming, but i didnt see it. maybe if i was smarter i would've..but i didnt see it at all. it surprised me almost as much as this blog will probably surprise him. and it probably wouldnt hurt as much if i didnt see it for what it really is. its not just an end to a friendship...its a replacement, i'm being replaced...just like that. i've cared about every part of this person. from his favorite book:lord of the rings because it was beautifully written, to his favorite color: turquoise/ocean blue, he keeps changing it. to his favorite drink:nestle cookies and cream, and orange (soda?), to his favorite candy: twix, to his favorite cereal: honey bunches of oats(ok im not sure about this one, i kinda forgot. he only mentioned it once. but im 50% sure ;)) to care so much that you wanted to cry for them when they were sad, to laugh with them when they were happy. to hurt so badly even on one of your best days because they were hurting. to care so much and give so much only to realize that that wasn't enough, that they wanted something else that you couldnt give them is just...i dunno, it just hurts. but im ok with it...strangely. because i've known him...maybe i didnt really, completely. but a small part, a small part was mine. and this person, this wonderful, amazing person isn't mine anymore.and i guess that's how i've thought of him, as mine. my cory. but he isnt, not anymore. maybe he never was. and now i dont even think i want him to be. not now, not after all this, not anymore. and i really want to know why...you know? why i met him. the way we met, i always thought that there was a reason for our meeting. and im trying to figure out what that reason is but i can't...i mean other then the memories. i havent changed at all, havent learned anything. what is it? it couldnt have been for nothing...i refuse to think that the time i spent building trust with this person, letting this person become part of me, trying to become part of him was all for nothing. it doesnt make sense, i dont get any of it...but theres one thing i DO get, and its that it's over. these lines are on a seal cd that i'm listening to. i never really heard the song before today, before now..i mean i listened to the cd over and over again but i never HEARD it...it never affected me really. but i hear it now. "dont b so hard on yourself. those tears are for someone else. i hear your voice on the phone. i hear you feel so alone.... my baby. ooohhh my baby... please, my baby... my baby." "today i dreamed all friends i had before and i wonder why the ones who care dont call anymore my feelings hurt but u kno i overcome the pain and im stronger now. they cant be a fire unless theres a flame. dont cry, you're not alone. dont cry tonight my baby. dont cry, you'll always be loved." im just wondering by who though. Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
4:09 pm	the end of the good times...what took you so long? its so funny how things come snowbaling down on you all at once. one day things are fine and the next tears are escaping from under your eyelids while you're sitting alone in a parking lot wondering what you're gonna do next. ..and the thing is i knew the good times were coming to an end. i knew it when things were good that i should enjoy it cause when things are its best is when the worst will try to counterattack. the two always collide. they're always head-to-head, as if one is trying to outdo the other. they're always at war. i think i'd rather it be one or the other. if things are going to be bad, let it be bad. if its gonna be good. let it be good. but dont let me bask in the good then take it away and leave me with nothing at all. dont do THAT. its just so much goddamn stress. im always so stressed. its always one thing after the other. and i pride myself on being able to assess situations and think of solutions but i cant take this anymore. its getting to be too much. every solution i think of is being blocked some way. the problem just keeps evading the solution, something else ALWAYS comes up. its always SOMETHING. and i feel like that hydrogen bond again. just breaking over and over. and the funny thing is i dont see how i can keep breaking when i havent even have a chance to bond again. im just broken particles floating in the water at this point. trying to find a way to bond back together. get back what i had. and God, i feel like im a fuckin emo kid. every single one of my blogs lately have been depressing as all hell. i havent really had much good to say lately. but that cant be helped...not by ME anyway. in school we're learning about viruses. my teacher says once you catch a viral disease most the time you're stuck with it. it just keeps eating at you until it kills you. theres a term for a type of virus named latency. thats when the virus remains dormant for awhile and then attacks, then remains dormant, then attacks. everytime you think its ok to breath, it attacks. i feel as if i have one of those viruses it just keeps attacking me when im the happiest. its like its reminding me of something. i dont kno what to do anymore. i just dont kno. im so fuckin tired. and i know i have no right to be. things can be worse. someone else out there has it way worse then i can even imagine. but knowing that really doesnt help much. because its still happening to me. and tho i kno it could be worse i still feel the same. im still breaking... how did i kno this was gonna happen? how did i predict that my summer was gonna be a summer from hell? how could i have possibly known?...cause its nothing new. its to be expected. i just sit there and wait for it, i know its coming. it always comes. which is why i dont understand why it always hits me so hard when im waiting for it anyway. why does it always knock me backward when im already braced and ready? when i cant SEE it coming but i feel it? doesnt that make me some kind of fool? for me to keep being surprised by the inevitable? doesnt that make me.... my goal is for the next time i write a blog it'll be something good. ill be happy and content and saying hip-hip-hooray...thats my goal... Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
11:01 pm	ramble,ramble,ramble. every once in a while it hits me. i suddenly realize the type of person i am. ill just be sitting there and then...i get it. and i understand why i'll never have a ton of friends. acquaintances maybe...but not friends. and i get why people will always look at me, smile, shake their head and go "you're so weird". and i get why i'll always be alone...its because i am who i am. i wonder if thats the way it's meant to be...always. and its obvious to me that if i wasnt who i was then i'll be happier...so i try to be someone else and i'm even more miserable...so i pick the best of two evils. i'd rather be miserable being myself then be miserable being someone else. n i mean..its not so bad being me...sometimes... i mean...im cute. lol. who'm i kidding, im fuckin hot ^_^ just joking...no but really... im a good friend, i have good morals, im friendly, cute, nice hair, nice body...so..you would think... in this book i read theres a quote that goes "we live less then the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. so it may be asked what value is there to a human life. there is so much pain in the world. what does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?" ..."i learned a long time ago Reuven, that the blink of an eye in itself is nothing. but the eye that blinks, that is something. a span of life is nothing. but the man that lives that span, he is something. he can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable though its quantity may be insignificant." what have i contributed to the world? what meaning have i given? looking at it now the quality of my life will be as insignificant as the time. it'll all pass soon and i would have contributed nothing...but what can i contribute? what can i of all people do that will have any significance? i keep thinking about this poem i read a long time ago...i cant remember who it's from or what the name is but i remember the last line was "man wishes he was more than leaves on a tree". and it made me so sad...sooner or later every leaf will fall off its branch and another leaf will take its place and everyone will forget the leaf that was there before it. and it all sounds so hopeless..so pointless. i guess thats why some people are so desperate to believe in an afterlife. to think that it all ends here. that THIS, this is the beginning and the end...that there is nothing more to this life then what we see...is so overwhelming, so unsatisifying, so maddening. so i can always understand why people want to believe in an afterlife. in a heaven and a hell... even hell would be better then nothing. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
4:48 pm	hip hip...horray!!! so guess what? huh? huh? huh? guess, just guess! did u guess? ..well DID you?!? well since u're slow and probably not gonna get it anyway ill just tell ya... i got me a CAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!! yay!!! yay!!! yay!!! God im happy!!! do you kno what this means? it means FREEDOM dammit, FREEDOM. and im starting my job tomorrow and that means MONEY dammit, MONEY!!!! which gives me so much MORE FREEDOM!!!! yay!! yay!! yay!! im on cloud 9 right now...cloud 9 i say... i can go anywhere i want now..what? im hungry? well hell ill just drive on over to subway. what? i feel like going to the movies? well ill just DRIVE there now wont i? oh hey, hey, i feel like going to the club? well ill just DRIIIVVEEE downtown. ha ha. bet u cant do it like me. lol. u probably can since most ppl i know already HAVE a car. well...that's it. im done raving. hope ya'll are happy for me. but guess what? I'M happy for me. and thats all that matters really ;) yay yay. imma go look at my brand new used car now. haha. Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
1:14 am	the blog that might have never been i've been struggling with myself for a while now. wondering whether or not i should add this blog. i wrote it today after an incident. it was nothing major but i just wrote how i felt in my diary. and ive thought for awhile that i wouldnt. i dunno maybe i still wont..we'll just see how this ends..i just kept going back and forth, and back and forth...but i dunno. i have this thought, this crazy notion that one day someone will read my blogs and FEEL me..really feel me. u know? and kno exactly what im talking about and know exactly what i mean...and if i dont write it then they wont kno. i know im probably not making much sense. and i kno if i wanted ppl to c it i should probably put this up on myspace where most of my friends are but i can't...i kno too many ppl there. i kno im contradicting myself... the word kismet keeps floating thru my mind...i think thats what it'll be if i write it here...but if it really is then i wouldnt need to write it now will i? it will just happen.... 1:26 pm 5/24/06 Wed. Happiness is a choice. that's a saying that i hear all the time. But the more i live the more i realize that its not true. That it cant possibly be true. its like a blessing that's passed out randomly. its either you've received it or you havent. those of us who havent are just left out in the cold, shivering. staring in wonderment, in jealousy...no one wants to be unhappy. its just seems so unfair. those who are blessed with this thing, this gift. I know it has to be a gift cause i've tried. I've tried to be happy. i've tried so hard...what else do i have to do?...i'm just so goodamn lonely. figure that. i'm in a house filled with people... yet i'm aching. it just hurts...i think i just need someone who cares. i mean REALLY cares for me you know? but even then... Like i said happiness is a random blessing passed onto random people. whether they desereve it or not. i feel like i'm trapped, you know? in this house...it's like i cant breath. i'm not the type of person who can take forced isolation. when i want to i'll isolate MYSELF. but for me to NOT have a choice...that i can't take. i just feel so weak you know? people always think i'm so strong...but they know nothing. In class we learned about these hydrogen bonds that form in water. they're the weakest bonds of all. they bond, then break, then bond, then break again. they're so easily broken. thats what i feel like i am. a hydrogen bond that just keeps breaking over and over again no matter how hard i try to stay bonded. just the slightest shake can break me. i just want things to be over, this feeling, this desperation. i want it to be gone. i cant take being a hydrogen bond... after awhile i'm just going to stay broken. theres no point in fighting a losing battle. its either you're blessed...or you're not. (Comment on this)
1:03 am	about a boy... So my friend blew me off last night. I wanted to talk and he kept bitching about sleep. I understand he was tired and didnt get much sleep. I get that, believe me i do. But do you know how many times I've waken up from my sleep to talk to him? Do you know how many times i stopped doing whatever i was doing cause he said he needed to talk. do you KNOW!?! ..well..apparently you don't. but thats besides the point. im teling you now ;) Well.. even i dont know. too many to mention, to remember... And you know whats so funny? He tells me he loves me all the time but he never shows it. I've never told him that once and yet I show him everyday. You know what i think it is? its that i've given him too much of myself and now he's taking it for granted...so..i figure i wont give him anymore...he doesnt deserve it. not really... you know what i think im gonna do? i think im just going to go back to keeping everything to myself... it was better that way. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
1:15 am	so you're gettin hitched huh? so my sister's engaged now....ok..lets try that again...this time w. a little more excitement. MY SISTER'S ENGAGED NOW!!!! how was that?...no? hmm...well... i dunno, i want to be happy for her,estatic. but..im not. i dont kno how i feel right now. its really no emotion. i mean im happy cause she's happy but...overall its just...there's nothing there. maybe im upset because this changes things. she's gonna be a married woman. and she's gonna have kids and have a house and have married woman duties and...it wont be the same. its like shes gone..or will be soon. its really a sign that things are changing. we're getting older...well at least SHE is. i feel like im in the same place that i was a few years ago. i mean im wiser in a sense and more mature but..if feels like something's missing with me. it doesnt feel like the complete package. it feels like im older in a way and in another it feels like i havent really grown at ALL. dont get me wrong. my life hasnt been peachy keen, ive been thru some things but i havent really BEEN thru them. so i guess i should say things have happened but i havent really been thru them...i wasnt there. i kno it really doesnt make that much sense... things that really should have me worried and stressed to the point that i have to work through it and DEAL with it.. i dont. i pretend its not happening. i dont think about it and it gets to the point that it seems like its happening to somebody else...it becomes so far away. its only when someone reminds me...that i realize, that i remember. u kno? then i get all upset. but i should've known... and im not sure if its worse to feel no emotion about it at all or to just plain out NOT be happy for her? i mean im happy FOR her just...YOU kno.. i hate when i feel like this. when i have no emotion whatsoever. i want to feel SOMETHING. with something like this you SHOULD feel SOMETHING. but i dont...i'd rather be angry, envious, jealous, hurt as opposed to nothing. i want to feel. but im over here going into other things that really have nothing to do with what i started out with. and i feel bad because it seems like all of my recent blogs have been serious. where's the humor? im trying to find it in this...*thinking..thinking* and i've come up w. *drum roll* ....abso fuckin lutely nothing. *doo-doo-doosh* yeah ok. so im lame... Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
4:17 am	disappointed my friend just did the most disgusting, horrible, degrading, nauseating thing i've ever witnessed. i never knew he could be so cruel...well i KNEW i cant say i didnt kno. i knew. but ...i didnt...does that make sense? i knew he could do something like this but i guess i didnt get it..not really, not till tonight. and the thing is i dont know what to think of him now...i think i fear him. i think thats the feeling thats running through me right now, the feeling i felt when i saw what he did, when i was talking to him. but...but the thing is i care about him so much. that this...even THIS can't make me get to my senses and move on. but can you be friends with someone you're afraid of? ..can you? is that possible?... i think it is... Current Mood: crushed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 12th, 2006
1:50 am	wonderful impossible things. i want to feel icy fingers run down my spine. is that bad? is it bad to yearn to feel soft feather like kisses on the back of your neck by someone who isnt your man? to want to lay with someone, just lay with a man and have him hold you?...just..hold you? to want to feel him run his fingers through your hair to trace your curves with his fingertips. to part your lips with his. to exhale when he holds you?..just..holds you? i want to feel these sensations without the where you goings, or where've you beens. cant i have my cake and eat it too? can i have my icing AND my cherry on top? i mean..what good is a cake if you can't eat it? and doesnt that cherry just make it THAT much sweeter? i dont want a man... and i dont want a lover. a lover will entail making love. i dont even want to go that far. i dont want sex... i just want someone who can lay with me during the day when its raining outside or kiss that spot, that spot right on the base of my neck...you kno the one..the spot that'll make your toes curl. . .i want my toes to curl. i wanna let out a short gasp..i wanna be a little breathless. is that asking too much? to take my breath away... is it asking too much to lay with you one night and then have me be with someone else the next? i wont ask you where you going or who you've been with. i wont care... i dont want to talk about my past or yours. or who i really am. lets keep it simple. tell me about your day, but dont tell me what makes you hurt. tell me when you're happy but dont let me see you there so sad. i dont want to go too deep. i dont want to know about your problems, nor you mine. i just want you to hold me..just, hold me. if only for a little while. and when you get tired of it or have to run back to your life i'll be ok. it wont hurt any cause you never meant that much to me anyway. i guess what im saying is i want...not really even a friend with benefits..we wont be friends. i dont want to KNO you. if we really knew each other then we'll start to care. i'll save that for someone else. i want no attachments. no heartbreaks, no lies, no meaningful kisses...sensual, pleasureable..but not meaningful. is that possible? can you have a sensual kiss without it meaning anything? can you even be passionate if theres no feeling behind it? is what im asking for impossible? am i asking for wonderful, impossible things? well maybe i am...but impossible contains the word possible..so maybe it is possible...just, maybe. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
4:11 am	thoughts on ...i dont know what yet... i want to write something but i honestly dont know what i want to write...so i guess ill just ramble for a while. hmm...do you ever wonder what it is that makes some people accept bad treatment? that they'll take being talked to in ways that would stop their mother's breath if they ever heard it? what is it? is it low self worth? or is it that they care for the person thats doing it so much that they'll put up with things they know they shouldn't? maybe ill explore that further...maybe i won't..i dunno. the first year of school is over and i'm so astonished by things that i've done...and things i have yet TO do. its sad really, sometimes. when i think about some of the things that i havent dont yet. it makes me wonder if i'm missing out on anything. i like to think that every experience that you dont have is something that you're missing out on. whether its good or bad. i tend to think that bad experiences can be more meaningful then good ones...but i digress. i wonder what it is that makes me so...inexperienced? naive? sheltered? whichever...im not sure which word i want to choose, if any of those even fit what im thinking...im thinking... i dont kno. that happens alot. i kno what im thinking but i dont...i have so many thoughts flying through my head at once its hard to grasp just one. its kind of like trying to catch a fish underwater. you got it for just a split second and then its gone again. you ever stare in a mirror so long that you dont even recognize yourself anymore? that you're inside the mirror looking at someone you think that you SHOULD recognize but dont? and you wonder who this person is? who this person WILL be? what makes them what they are now? are they even worth anything? what is their purpose? why are they here? and why is it that this person is worth staring at? but u continue staring, at the nose, the shape of the eyes, the curve of the lips, the arch of the eyebrows, the length of the hair, and see how it all comes together..to form this stranger. and it could come together to create something beautiful or something hideous, but something that YOU are and can't escape from. n isnt that whats so infuriating about it all? so frustrating,so...that you cant escape...you can hate yourself but you can't escape. this being, this person. its all so hilarious isnt it? doesnt it seem like THE most meticulous joke ever thought up? kill yourself you go to hell, live you're in hell anyway?...haha, isnt that funny? well reading what i wrote it seems as if i should explain, lest someone takes me for suicidal or depressed or all these other things im not... but i wont. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
1:21 am	see? what'd i tell ya? so i've been here a total of 3 days and things are already turning to shit. at least its turning to shit slowly tho...im grateful for THAT much at least. n i dont think its anything anyone can control exactly. i mean some things are like my family for instance, and the living situation but usually its things beyond anyone's control. which is what makes it so weird b/c its like as soon as i get here...i dunno.. whatever...i got my grades today and i want to....i don't know do SOMETHING. and that something isn't good. i got the crappiest grades in history i mean why don't i just drop out. what's my purpose? i should just HANG myself. someone as lowly and inept as me isn't fit to live. i thought i kept my bright futures scholarship but i'm on the verge of losing THAT. and its so goddamn simple to keep a 2.fuckin 75. that's IT!!! i thought i had it in the bag. guess i was wrong. i got a 2.71. can u believe it?!? i must be the biggest idiot in the world. the only thing that can drag me out of this pit now is i'm going to go to summerschool and if i do good in that I can bring it up to a 2.75. what pisses me off even more is i told so much ppl that i'm keeping the scholarship. now...i dont kno. God! i shoulda just kept my goddman mouth shut. you'd think i'd learn my lesson by now. u should never count your eggs before they're hatched. but i do it over, and over again. JESUS!! ...im probably not gonna tell my parents until im sure that i lost it for good. and even then i might not... but i need that scholarship... so my sister thinks im going to hell because i said i dont kno if i trust christianity. i mean i believe in God,there's no doubt about that. but it's the religion i'm having trouble with...i went to the library today and got some books on the topic to make a stronger stand..theres so much knowledge in books its frightening... but i LOVE reading. i can tell this is gonna be the summer where i drown myself in books, im thirsty for it. for the seclusion i drive myself into when i read. for the countless stories, the drama, the knowledge that comes with books. i always think of it as watching a movie that you can control. i mean u can't really control the plot but you can rewind, fastforward, change the way a character looks if you don't like the way the author illustrates them, you use your imagination...and i LOVE seeing a movie after reading the book. i love to see how someone else sees it. how their idea of the book differs from mine. what they took out of it and what i coulda missed. sometimes i hate seeing movies after i read the book tho...they completely ruin everything. i mean you have this great idea of the book and u can love it. it could be the best book ever!!! and then some idiot director comes and ruins the whole book for u with his bullshit opinons and typical hollywood endings. i mean if u can't do it right then don't do it...leave it alone. me and my brother bonded over watching some naruto episodes that i brought back today. naruto's great "BELIEVE IT!!" me and my cousin's still not talking. we just ignore each other. im just so tired of her u kno? i mean i love her...i can never NOT love her. shes like a sister...but like an evil STEPsister u kno? i mean she's great most of the time but i can't take anymore negativity. and thats what she brings, i hate being angry, and i hate arguing, and i dont like confrontations unless its necessary, or unless im really heated and in that case i look for it...but still u kno? its like everyday its something new with her. but im guessing we'll probably end up talking soon anyway. i mean for some WEIRD reason she cant go four months living w. someone w.o talking to them...go figure...she's strange that one... so i have good news and bad news. the good news is i dont have to sleep on the floor, but instead my mom set up a bed for me in the patio. yeah...the patio, the source of many sleepless night. u know.... repeated nightmares,being afraid to sleep and all that typical craziness that goes along w. sleeping. i wanted to object but...what could i say? and where the hell else was i gonna sleep? but i've been there for a day now so im pretty sure i've conquered my fear...riiiiight. Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
5:40 am	prediction... So this is the last week of school. theres only a couple of days left before my dad comes to bring me home. but still i haven't made myself begin to pack up my bags or in the least take down some things from my wall. i guess im trying to prolong it for as long as i can. pretend that its not happening, that i still have one more week, one more month. that i wont be home this coming weekend. so many things happened this year, u kno? i've met so many people, some bad, some good. some ppl i never want to lay eyes on again and others i wish i could be with everyday. but i wouldnt take back any of it. its all been so amazing. now its winding down to an end and i dont kno WHAT to do. i'm dreading going back home because i kno i have nothing but angst and a migraine waiting for me...oh yeah not to mention an air mattress on the floor that ill be crashin on for the next 3 months. 7 ppl in a 3 bedroom house while there's only 4 beds definitely isn't something to look forward to. i guess i shouldn't be complaining too much though b/c for a little while there were 11 ppl there at a time. but off that. . .the thing is i've been on my own for the better part of a year now. i've come and gone as i pleased, stayed out as late as i wanted, hung out w. whoever i wanted, WHENEVER i wanted n i've been FINE...and now im goin to go home and be on a leash for the next three months. everything i do will be restricted, i can't go wherever i want,WHENEVER i want. i'll have to check in every 5 seconds, have someone breathing down my neck 24/7, have ZERO privacy...and i WONT be fine... i'll be miserable. i feel the depression coming already like a tidal wave ready to knock me down and take me under, and keep me there for the next three months. and i dont WANT to be depressed for three months.lol. i just hate feeling as if my life isn't MINE. i mean...whats the point of living if u can't choose what u want to do with ur own life? so for now ill live in denial and keep my things up so i wont have to look at my empty walls as a rememberance of whats in store for me. i dunno man, this is all just a bunch of fucking bullshit...great way to end that huh? OILSPILL!!!!!! well off of that and onto oilspill saturday. i had such a great time! it was me, all of my roommates, cept for one but she dont count, and a few friends. and it was so live. in case some of you don't kno the oilspill is a big party the omega fraternity throws every semester and its expensive but worth every penny. they had this purple drink that gets u drunk off ONE cup and its so good u dont even realize how much u drank til its too late.lol. (cept for me cause i sip and i kno my limit)throwing up is NOT cute. . .TRUST. and FYI the omegas at FAMU be goin around w. their shirts off. . .pants slung VERY low, no draws on,half their ass showin and at first its like OMG! i kno he doesnt have his crack showing but...wow when they have a nice body...n the v-cut be all out. . . ooooohhhh guuuuurl...its like bring all that chocolate... over... here. . .now. let me stop cause im gettin hot already. lol. j/p. haha. not really. but that was one of the best times i had all year. n trust i've had some pretty good times this year. n just thinkin back to that and pajama jam, floyds foam party, homecoming week, all the parties i've been to, the movies i've watched w. my friends, the just hanging out and shootin the breeze, the new ppl i've met, new places i've been, new experiences. . .this was a year of many firsts and now im gonna be stiffled for 3months. it just seems like im missing out on life. theres so much out there to experience and its like 3mths out of my life where i wont be able to do any of it. its so weird. im trippin out about doin it for 3months...it makes me wonder how i did it for 18 yrs... Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
4:56 pm	putting my thoughts into words Bear with me. i have some thoughts that are running through my head and i want to get them down to figure some things out. so hopefully by the end of this blog i'll have all my thoughts straightened out. How do you know when you really, truly care about someone? Is it when you care so much that you'd do anything to keep them with you? Or care so much that you'll be willing to let them go even if you know it would break your heart, but it'll be what's best for them? If you let them go does that mean that you really don't care or that you care too much? That question has been bothering me alot today. WEll i guess quesTIONS since i listed like 100...but i digress. To be so truly unselfish as to be willing to let go of someone who's been my backbone in quite a few situations is a feeling that's new to me. Or maybe I'm really selfish cause i don't want to care TOO much. I mean its bad enough that I have to care that much about my family I don't want to have to add anyone unnecesary to that you kno? oh u don't? . . .never mind then. I kno it sounds dumb but its hard giving so much of yourself to someone. letting them kno all about you, all your flaws and dysfunctions. and believe me i have quite a few.(can u even plurarize dysfunction?) i wrote about it some to Daisy (my diary) awhile back. "He knows more about me then anyone. You know how much power that gives him? You know how much he can hurt me?" n i wrote awhole bunch of other stuff thats none of your business. but that would KILL me. if i let someone kno that much about me and they threw it back in my face one day. that would destroy me cause it would be all my fault. i should've known better. But if I completely cut this person off and have us go our seperate ways which I've wanted to a few times then what will I do when i need someone? This is the only person that knows so much about me. But then its the "girl shut the fuck up, what'd you do when he wasn't here?" thing. i dont want to feel like i NEED someone to be able to get through my problems. I was fine before so why do I think that i'll need him NOW? and THEN theres this whole "you're not good enough to be his friend anyway with your dysfunctional ass." I know what kind of person I am and I kno this person deserves better. . .and that brings me back to the whole caring for them so much that i'll let them go thing. being friends with me will bring this person nothing but heartache and confusion as I'm sure it has already. and the thing is it wont ever stop. it doesnt matter how wrong i kno i am i just wont stop. i want to see how far you'll go for me, how much u care. and even if i kno u do i won't stop cause thats just the kind of bitch i am. so am i being selfish, or is this just me caring more than i want to? . . .yeeaaaaa this blog really didn't help me figure anything out at ALL. . . Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
3:38 pm	well i guess that makes SENSE. . . my mom made a good point to me last night. she got all bent out of shape cause i dont call her. n she was sayin how she's payin my bill every month so she'd be able to get in contact with me. but i constantly ignore my phone calls and i never think to call. that makes sense. i mean shes payin my phone bill so i can talk to HER, not my friends. the least i can do is call every now and then, i mean whats she payin my bill for? yeah...she makes a real good point. . .that doesnt mean im actually gonna start calling her of course. . . but still. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)